THE SINGLE PERSON'S MOVIE WATCHING GUIDE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

Not going out this Valentine’s Day because you are Valentine challenged? Here are some romance related film titles to keep you company, and validate your relationship status.

1. KRAMER VS KRAMER (1979)

You finally meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, you get hitched and everything is awsesomesauce from there on out, right? Wrong. You’re so fucking wrong, you have no clue just how wrong you are. Marriage is work. Marriage is more work than you could possibly imagine. Which is why most people say “Aw, fuckit. I fold.” and bail. This Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep starrer from 1979 was a reflection of the record divorce rates the US saw in the 1970s. Thinking his marriage is working just fine, Dustin Hoffman is shocked to come home one day and discover his wife is leaving him and their son. After he gets his life back on balance, Streep decides she wants to play mom after all, and drags Hoffman through the child custody court system where he experiences incredible sexism despite being the better parent. This one is a feel good film from the factory of sadness.

2. PLAY MISTY FOR ME (1971)

Well, since marriage doesn’t sound so hot, how about just staying single and playing the field? Guess what? That sucks too. Why? Because most people are batshit crazy. The only question is just how far their elevator goes to the top. Clint Eastwood makes his directorial debut in this obsessed lover pic which predates FATAL ATTRACTION by 16 years. Eastwood is a radio DJ who has a fling with his number one fan. Only she doesn’t realize it’s a fling, and becomes obsessive when she finds out he’s seeing other women. Chaos and violence ensue. If marriage is a pressure cooker, then dating is a game of Russian Roulette with half the chambers filled.

3. STAR 80 (1983)

Unconditional love sounds awesome, right? No. It’s not. Because, if you read the fine print, unconditional love actually has one condition – you can never leave. This fun fest is based on the true story of Playboy model Dorothy Stratton who tried to leave her highly committed boyfriend with drastic consequences. Muriel Hemmingway puts in a fine performance as the doomed Stratton, but, this is the film that put our favorite bad guy Eric Roberts on the map. His performance is unsettling, and, knowing the outcome, it’s like watching a puppy being slooowly run over by a steam roller. Enjoy.

4. AUDITION (1999)

Another diddy from the “dating can be fun” files. Sometimes physical attraction can be so strong, we ignore all the warning signs the object of our desire is not quite… right, and even ignore the best advice given by people who care about us most. The dopamine making us drunk, deaf and blind. In this uplifting love story forty-something widower, Shigeharu Aoyama, is taken by a striking twenty-four-year-old woman, Asami Yamazaki. Her porcelain skin, and soft voice, oh so intoxicating. They begin to see one another, and during a romantic weekend Asami unloads about the abuse she endured as a child. Shigeharu is horrified, but assures her he will always be there for her. Which is what makes her disappearance the following morning even more devastating. As Shigeharu tracks her down, he begins to notice a pattern… all the men who know her seem to be missing body parts. Feet. Legs. Hands. It’s not long before Shigeharu crosses paths with Asami again, only to find himself drugged, held captive, and slowly dismembered piece by piece via piano wire. And that’s not even the worst part. Word to the wise: when your friends tell you your date reeks of crazy, chances are, they’re right.

5. UP (2009)

So you managed to survive the dating gauntlet, not end up dismembered, find true love, get married, and you don’t end up in divorce court fighting over the house, the car, or the dog. It’s truly a happy marriage. You won! Nope. There are no winners in this game. Ever. Because, unless you both die in an accident, or are miraculously struck by lightning while having sex, one of you is going to die before the other, leaving the survivor, old, sad and alone. The first ten minutes of this animated flick is some of the best filmmaking I have ever seen. It’s also perhaps the most depressing ten minutes of film I have ever seen. Thanks for reminding me it’s all pointless, Disney.

Happy Valentine’s Day.